Post by judahverrecke on May 29, 2008 8:39:22 GMT -5
note: i'm just reprinting these from my myspace page.. hoping to get back to doing them next week while i'm on vacation..
the J.A.C.K.O.F.F. acronym stands for 'Judah's Asinine Commentary/Knockoff Of Forgettable Flicks'.. but i couldn't fit it all in the box (if i had a dollar for everytime i've... ummm, nevermind)
also, note.. the movies aren't always forgettable..
==============================================================
Judah's Asinine Commentary/Knockoff Of Forgettable Flicks (5/09)
SCHIZOPHRENIAC: THE WHORE MANGLER
d: ron atkins
w: ron atkins, john giancaspro, gary bauman
well.. first, i'd like to give a quick history of how/where/when i discovered this flick..
i was living in boone, north carolina.. in my junior year of college.. the glorious winter of '98.. i went to fat cats to check on some flicks.. they were my only source for obscure horror (i first saw jorg's work there as well as 'begotten').. and i saw the words 'whore mangler' on the cover of a new movie.. i took it to jack and asked him what the fuck it was.. jack just laughed.. heartily.. see, jack was a gay dude that my girlfriend suspected had a thing for me.. he didn't, but he DID know what type of flicks i dug.. so he suggested i grab it..
i took it home and my girlfriend saw it and wasn't amused.. didn't want to watch it with me so i wound up by myself that night watching what would soon be the next movie to change my life.. within minutes i knew i was in for something right up my alley: cheap, tawdry, pathetic, vulgar, obscene, and very very messy.. if an erection can be achieved through the THOUGHT of a film alone, this did it for me.. and still does..
a couple of weeks later my buddy from chapel hill was up and we were working on a movie for a film class he was taking (appropriately titled 'the progression of the homosexual male in a heterosexual society').. and one night we opted to watch 'schizophreniac: the whore mangler'.. and i found a new fan for the movie.. he loved it.. we were both drunk (okay.. i wasn't drunk, but i was still quite inept and stupid.. same fucking difference, fag) and wound up checking out the credits.. lo and behold we came across a telephone number to call for more information on the company, etc etc.. so, naturally, being 3 in the morning and pretty much snowed in anyway, we called.. some dude answered.. i'm going to attempt to recreate the conversation, but it HAS been a few years..
ron: hello?
me: hey.. a friend of mine and i were just watching a movie and saw this number listed at the credits and wanted to know more about the movie..
ron: what's the movie?
me: schizophreniac, the whore mangler
ron: yeah, that's mine. this is ron.
me: shit. you mean the director?
ron: yeah, that's my movie
me: HOLY SHIT! DUDE, WE FUCKING LOVE THIS THING! (i can't remember the rest of what i said, glorifying said film, but i'm certain i embarassed myself)
he went on to tell me how easy it is to make a movie.. how he got the strippers to play roles for cheap.. mentioned working on the sequel (Yes.. waaaaaay back then).. just a really pleasant conversation and by the end he seemed genuinely excited that i had called..
i ordered a copy of the movie (i had just recorded it when i rented it) and he autographed it as well as autographing a movie poster as well (i'm gonna put the picture of that up soon).. naturally, i was even more hooked on the movie from this point on..
i would tell people for the next few years how incredible it was.. showed it to virtually everyone.. one episode, which i have never mentioned before, went as follows:
a girl from new orleans was travelling through the east and stopped in to hang out for a few nights.. i had met her from some message board and she was going to be in the area so we planned on hanging out.. my buddy tom was up at my apartment (my girlfriend had moved out after we split) and we all watched 'schizophreniac: the whore mangler' that night.. i remember sitting on the couch, with a pair of panties on my head, holding a machete i was banging against the wall every now and again.. she wound up telling tom that she was kinda scared to stay there that night, but he assured her that's normal behavior.. after all was said and done, she wound up becoming a fan of the movie.. after all, her life did depend on it..
i'm spending far too much time talking about my experiences with the movie (and i could go on and on about them).. so i'm going to get to my 'review' now.. a little different this time.. a very very quick synopsis of the movie (the plot isn't THAT intricate.. mangling whores), followed by a short list of 80 things that make the movie so good.. that isn't a random number.. i took the number of people HE killed in the movie and multiplied it by the length (in inches) of the whore mangler's cock.. a very simple formula..
====================================
SYNOPSIS:
harry russo, a drug-addict who happens to be a bit off-kilter, decides it would be a good idea to go kill some whores.. and fuck them up the ass..
basically, that's it.. i happen to agree with much that he says in the flick as well.. that IS all women are good for, after all (i guarantee you.. GUARANGODDAMNTEE you that any woman reading this right now agrees)..
====================================
now.. what makes this movie so great, in basic chronological order..
1. the first scene with the whore in the shower.. depending on which version you've seen (yes.. there are two) you either get the mundane looking brunette or the saucy latino chick.. the only purpose either serves is to get naked and die.. just the fact that two women were used for different versions for a movie with THIS type of budget makes me smile..
2. since i'm reviewing the version with the latino chick, i have to give some appreciation for ron's GRATUITOUS shower shots.. i see he enjoys 'zoom'.. if you have the other version, i'm sorry..
3. the results of accusing the whore mangler of 'not being able to get your dick hard'..
4. speaking of those results, please note.. the whore is CHOKING HERSELF.. awesome technique, ron.. i love it.. (nice sound effect too)
5. the hearty 'okay, this whore is dead so what do i do now?' ass-fuck..
6. is it safe for me to mention the theme sounds like it came from a 1992 casio keyboard? goddamn, i hope it did..
7. first shot of the whore mangler: typing a script, talking to a doll, with a coke mound on his nose.. i already love him..
8. 'all that shit do you in between, it doesn't fucking matter because the fucking end is inevitable, you fucking skinny little prick'
9. 'i'm all fucked up man and i'm CRAZY!' (this.. seriously.. this is likely the greatest quote in film history {this will be written many times during this review})..
10. "harry's the name and going nuts is the fucking game.. YEAH!
11. that smoooooooth edit after he pisses and faces the camera.. smooooth... i've seen worse cuts, but rotten.com doesn't count..
12. the man has his friend, rubberneck.. a doll.. riding shotgun.. and he also seems to be a good conversationalist..
13. 'it's fucking green, ya motherfucker'.. mmmmm... taco bell..
14. the drive thru order.. i have honestly done this.. based on this brillaint display.. if you haven't seen it, i'm sorry.. i'm not disclosing this genius to everyone..
15. 'i thought this was the place.. THIS IS THE FUCKING PLACE!! UHHHHHHH!'
16. greatest pick up line ever... 'hey baby.. what's up? ya fuckin' whore'
17. i got the term prancing from this movie.. it isn't used, but the only way to describe how he runs down that sidewalk is the term 'prancing'..
18. for the record, if you want to watch harry's psychiatrist get a blowjob, watch ron's 'the payback'..
19. oh goddamn.. GODDAMN.. everytime i see this scene i almost cry.. his girlfriend is answering the door as he is prancing outside.. the conversation:
drew: hi baby how are you? (tries to hug him)
harry: SHUT THE FUCK UP BITCH (as he puts his hand in her face and prances on in)
20. 'what'd ya have to give him? head? ass?'.. next time your girlfriend gives you a present, YOU should wonder who she blew to get it..
21. drew.. listen.. don't question his ability to get his cock hard..
22. 'NOTHIN' BUT A SKEEZER!'
23. 'I'LL FUCKIN' RUIN THAT BITCH! AHHHHHHH... RUBBERNECK!!!'.. the man sniffs a pile of coke, makes out with his doll, and then prays.. his value system is tip-fucking-top..
24. when asked what he'd do to drew if he knew she was slopping juice with another dude: 'i'd fucking cut her neck off her head, outta here'.. i'm not sure what that means, but i concur..
25. his psychiatrist smokes weed with him.. good idea.. 'i don't think you've been smoking enough marijuana lately, harry'
26. ron using his voice as rubberneck.. in the other version it sounds distorted.. this one, it's just plain ol' ron's voice..
27. 'because i like doing what he says.. he tells me to do good things.. that i like'.. a tad bit redundant.. but that's okay.. i understand you, harry..
28. lipstick pentagrams make me want to don a wig and jerk off and scream 'YER FUCKIN' DEAD' too..
29. the slow-motion stabbing of the doctor.. not a great kill, but the effect shot is even worse.. quality.. pure..
30. the yellow raincoat and chanting 'fucking rain man, fuck the fuckin' raain' as he buys his drugs from otis..
31. the repeat of that prancing he does as he's running with his drugs.. classic.. talk shit about the edit of this movie all you please.. YOU couldn't make me laugh like that..
32. the little wig-out shots while he's doing the heroin give it an almost artsy feel... i DID say almost..
33. the story he tells rubberneck is nice.. but aside from the coke on his nose, i get one thing out of it:
'that's why i know how to treat these women today.. kill 'em.. and fuck 'em up the ass' (and that cut right after that line.. if i could have that on my tombstone, i would)..
34. so good i have to repeat:
'that's all anybodys ever good for.. for fucking up the ass.. the sooner you learn that the better.. and don't ever let anybody tell you different.. now let's go to work and kill some dumb hooah bitch'
*note.. from here on, all references to 'whores' will be written as 'hooahs'.. PER HARRY RUSSO
35. i'm not reprinting his car speech.. none of you are worthy of this.. none of you.. not even me..
36. offering a hooah crack instead of money: EXACTLY..
37. 'i think i like 'FUCKING HOOAH'.. when i say 'FUCKING HOOAH' you say what'..
38. i... like.. the...way.. he... gives.. the... hooah... crack...
39. the styrofoam head i have no problem with.. the dancing with that gigantic cock swinging in the parking lot, i have no problem with.. actually.. i don't have a problem with anything in the celebration scene.. carry on..
40. 'I FUCKIN' HATE YOUZE.. UHHHHHHHHHH.. DIE!!! DIE TONIGHT!!!'
41. i have to admit: i like the way they indicate the drunk redneck is a drunk redneck with a CAROLINA PANTHERS hat..
42. the closeup on the puke indicates a can of soup was used.. without an attempt for extra effect.. eh.. laziness rules..
43. i love that the bee gess never care if you use their songs in films.. it makes the 'you should be dancing' scene work.. so well..
44. a good workout ALWAYS makes me want to fuck and kill my girlfriend..
45. velvetjesus was my first screenname.. ever.. on webtv..
46. bitch.. DON'T QUESTION HIS ABILITY TO GET HIS COCK HARD!
47. the prancing after he kills drew is the greatest prancing you will EVER see.. ever.. ever.. ever.. ever.. ever.. ever..
'DING DONG THE BITCH IS DEAD'
48. the sound effect of him punching her seems like the sound of striking two pool balls together.. neat..
49. i know all of you think you have some power stroke when fucking.. but unless you're down with the 'AH YEAH FUCK YEAH' posse, you ain't shit..
50. sometimes, and i know its happened to you, when we're masturbating we make a little mess.. harry russo has shown us how to take care of this.. seriously, if anyone has ever done this, send me a message and let me know..
51. the nipple-eating scene is too cheesy for me.. but still a nice touch..
52. ron's acting effort as the fella trying to hawk a stolen stereo is awesome.. i think he sets a new standard for use of the word 'fuck' in a two minute span..
53. ron told me they had to shoot that radio scene in about 15 minutes.. police were around and they didn't wanna get caught..
54. as he dances with the redneck before killing him.. he utters this immortal line:
'yeah.. your friends gone like your dicks gonna be, faggot'.. followed by 'it's time to free willy you butt-bandit-sonofabitch-queer-gay-asshole.. fucking dirty reamer.. fucking man-bitch'.. and proceeds to lop off his cock.. nice..
55. i was gonna quote the racial slur speech he has at the top of the building with his cock fully-erect and seemingly pointing toward the camera.. but, again.. none of you are worthy..
56. he uses the word 'fawn'.. i like it..
57. i mean.. i think at one time or another we've all put on women's underwear and pissed on ourselves.. by the way.. from what ron said, that was legit..
58. 'IT'S THROBBING AND SWOLLEN.. AHHHHHHH'
59. so cut it off..
60. i actually like the idea of him walking around the porn theater to the other entrance and the shot going from night to day.. funny, when you think about it..
61. what was a woman doing with a baby in the bathroom of a fucking porn theater?
62. everything about the porn theater is incredible.. from his attire, to his treatment of the patrons..
63. how many times have YOU gone straight from jerking off to pistol whipping someone? i know.. not enough for me either..
64. 'YOU'RE FUCKIN' DEAD YOU HOOAH'
65. that's ron's sister as the news-chick.. i asked him why she was the only woman not naked in the movie.. he said: she didn't get paid..
66. i think everyone masturbates in the shower as they wash the blood of the dead off of them..
67. again.. the x-ray shots kinda give a hint of artistic expression.. a hint..
68. after harry wakes up and sees himself dancing around naked outside (it happens like that sometimes, eh) the other harry delivers the best 'FUCK YOU' in the glorious era of film..
69. strangling your own doll.. don't do it harry.. he's telling you the truth.. listen to him..
70. at this point, i think we've gone through 7 different dream sequences, never knowing what's real..
71. waking up with your doll in bed with you.. that's real..
72. you'd be surprised how many people had a problem with the kid getting strangled toward the end.. what's the big deal? she's just another dumb cunt hooah.. GIVE 'EM HELL, HARRY..
73. his rant at the end is a weak way to end an otherwise spectacular movie..
74. i don't like the shaved look he has.. but he's still pretty hot..
75. it's sooooo cool that they got the SAME girl to play the roles of the prostitute AND drew.. get more tit for your buck, eh ron? that's a lesson on how to cut corners in independent films, kids.. if you find a bitch willing to take off her clothes at a cheap rate, spend the 15 bucks it'll cost for a wig..
76. the baby in the bathroom of the porn shop was the whore mangler's kid in real life..
77. ron's old production company's telephone number: 702-877-2819.. call him up and tell him you read this..
78. it had been a couple of years since i watched this.. it will never be that long.. never again..
79. all the gore shots in this movie combined probably constitute about 35 seconds of screentime..
80. all the cock shots in this movie combined probably constitute about 10 minutes of screentime..
obviously the message is simple:
women.. they're only good for killing.. and fucking up the ass..
and cocks are more appealing to the low-budget horror fan than gore..
i don't know which one of those i disagree with.. or if i do..
but i'll praise allah daily for the birth of ron atkins..
thank you ron.. thank you..
=====================================
now, i could rate on merit and all that jazz, but these reviews ain't gonna be about that.. we have GOOD reviewers here that i love to read for the content.. honestly, these are just going to be giving you access to some of the most worthless pieces of junk ever laid on tape and subsequently purchased for a few hundred dollars and pressed on disc for future generations to discover and feel really reaaaaaally proud of their ancestoral background.. remember.. junk and useless are words of true devotion from me..
here's how i'm gonna be rating these things, on a scale of 1-5, 5 being the heaviest:
CHEESE FACTOR (all cheesy elements combined.. clothes, music, style, etc)
BONER-A-METER (is it up the perverts alley to at least be interesting?)
WOULD I BE WILLING TO WATCH THIS IF AN EPISODE OF THE SIMPSONS THAT I'VE SEEN SIX TIMES AND HAVE ON DVD IS ON?
(should be pretty obvious.. and, ultimately, this will be the ultimate recommendation factor)
MOST REWARDING SCENE (obvious)..
=====================================
CHEESE FACTOR: 4
BONER-A-METER: if you dig cock a 5.. if not, a 4.5
WIBWTWTIAEOTSTISSTAHODIO: yes.. i'd burn my simpsons dvds in hell before i'd go without my whore mangler..
MOST REWARDING SCENE: i'm a sucker for rooftop scene.. and NOT because of the cock..
good luck, kids..
the J.A.C.K.O.F.F. acronym stands for 'Judah's Asinine Commentary/Knockoff Of Forgettable Flicks'.. but i couldn't fit it all in the box (if i had a dollar for everytime i've... ummm, nevermind)
also, note.. the movies aren't always forgettable..
==============================================================
Judah's Asinine Commentary/Knockoff Of Forgettable Flicks (5/09)
SCHIZOPHRENIAC: THE WHORE MANGLER
d: ron atkins
w: ron atkins, john giancaspro, gary bauman
well.. first, i'd like to give a quick history of how/where/when i discovered this flick..
i was living in boone, north carolina.. in my junior year of college.. the glorious winter of '98.. i went to fat cats to check on some flicks.. they were my only source for obscure horror (i first saw jorg's work there as well as 'begotten').. and i saw the words 'whore mangler' on the cover of a new movie.. i took it to jack and asked him what the fuck it was.. jack just laughed.. heartily.. see, jack was a gay dude that my girlfriend suspected had a thing for me.. he didn't, but he DID know what type of flicks i dug.. so he suggested i grab it..
i took it home and my girlfriend saw it and wasn't amused.. didn't want to watch it with me so i wound up by myself that night watching what would soon be the next movie to change my life.. within minutes i knew i was in for something right up my alley: cheap, tawdry, pathetic, vulgar, obscene, and very very messy.. if an erection can be achieved through the THOUGHT of a film alone, this did it for me.. and still does..
a couple of weeks later my buddy from chapel hill was up and we were working on a movie for a film class he was taking (appropriately titled 'the progression of the homosexual male in a heterosexual society').. and one night we opted to watch 'schizophreniac: the whore mangler'.. and i found a new fan for the movie.. he loved it.. we were both drunk (okay.. i wasn't drunk, but i was still quite inept and stupid.. same fucking difference, fag) and wound up checking out the credits.. lo and behold we came across a telephone number to call for more information on the company, etc etc.. so, naturally, being 3 in the morning and pretty much snowed in anyway, we called.. some dude answered.. i'm going to attempt to recreate the conversation, but it HAS been a few years..
ron: hello?
me: hey.. a friend of mine and i were just watching a movie and saw this number listed at the credits and wanted to know more about the movie..
ron: what's the movie?
me: schizophreniac, the whore mangler
ron: yeah, that's mine. this is ron.
me: shit. you mean the director?
ron: yeah, that's my movie
me: HOLY SHIT! DUDE, WE FUCKING LOVE THIS THING! (i can't remember the rest of what i said, glorifying said film, but i'm certain i embarassed myself)
he went on to tell me how easy it is to make a movie.. how he got the strippers to play roles for cheap.. mentioned working on the sequel (Yes.. waaaaaay back then).. just a really pleasant conversation and by the end he seemed genuinely excited that i had called..
i ordered a copy of the movie (i had just recorded it when i rented it) and he autographed it as well as autographing a movie poster as well (i'm gonna put the picture of that up soon).. naturally, i was even more hooked on the movie from this point on..
i would tell people for the next few years how incredible it was.. showed it to virtually everyone.. one episode, which i have never mentioned before, went as follows:
a girl from new orleans was travelling through the east and stopped in to hang out for a few nights.. i had met her from some message board and she was going to be in the area so we planned on hanging out.. my buddy tom was up at my apartment (my girlfriend had moved out after we split) and we all watched 'schizophreniac: the whore mangler' that night.. i remember sitting on the couch, with a pair of panties on my head, holding a machete i was banging against the wall every now and again.. she wound up telling tom that she was kinda scared to stay there that night, but he assured her that's normal behavior.. after all was said and done, she wound up becoming a fan of the movie.. after all, her life did depend on it..
i'm spending far too much time talking about my experiences with the movie (and i could go on and on about them).. so i'm going to get to my 'review' now.. a little different this time.. a very very quick synopsis of the movie (the plot isn't THAT intricate.. mangling whores), followed by a short list of 80 things that make the movie so good.. that isn't a random number.. i took the number of people HE killed in the movie and multiplied it by the length (in inches) of the whore mangler's cock.. a very simple formula..
====================================
SYNOPSIS:
harry russo, a drug-addict who happens to be a bit off-kilter, decides it would be a good idea to go kill some whores.. and fuck them up the ass..
basically, that's it.. i happen to agree with much that he says in the flick as well.. that IS all women are good for, after all (i guarantee you.. GUARANGODDAMNTEE you that any woman reading this right now agrees)..
====================================
now.. what makes this movie so great, in basic chronological order..
1. the first scene with the whore in the shower.. depending on which version you've seen (yes.. there are two) you either get the mundane looking brunette or the saucy latino chick.. the only purpose either serves is to get naked and die.. just the fact that two women were used for different versions for a movie with THIS type of budget makes me smile..
2. since i'm reviewing the version with the latino chick, i have to give some appreciation for ron's GRATUITOUS shower shots.. i see he enjoys 'zoom'.. if you have the other version, i'm sorry..
3. the results of accusing the whore mangler of 'not being able to get your dick hard'..
4. speaking of those results, please note.. the whore is CHOKING HERSELF.. awesome technique, ron.. i love it.. (nice sound effect too)
5. the hearty 'okay, this whore is dead so what do i do now?' ass-fuck..
6. is it safe for me to mention the theme sounds like it came from a 1992 casio keyboard? goddamn, i hope it did..
7. first shot of the whore mangler: typing a script, talking to a doll, with a coke mound on his nose.. i already love him..
8. 'all that shit do you in between, it doesn't fucking matter because the fucking end is inevitable, you fucking skinny little prick'
9. 'i'm all fucked up man and i'm CRAZY!' (this.. seriously.. this is likely the greatest quote in film history {this will be written many times during this review})..
10. "harry's the name and going nuts is the fucking game.. YEAH!
11. that smoooooooth edit after he pisses and faces the camera.. smooooth... i've seen worse cuts, but rotten.com doesn't count..
12. the man has his friend, rubberneck.. a doll.. riding shotgun.. and he also seems to be a good conversationalist..
13. 'it's fucking green, ya motherfucker'.. mmmmm... taco bell..
14. the drive thru order.. i have honestly done this.. based on this brillaint display.. if you haven't seen it, i'm sorry.. i'm not disclosing this genius to everyone..
15. 'i thought this was the place.. THIS IS THE FUCKING PLACE!! UHHHHHHH!'
16. greatest pick up line ever... 'hey baby.. what's up? ya fuckin' whore'
17. i got the term prancing from this movie.. it isn't used, but the only way to describe how he runs down that sidewalk is the term 'prancing'..
18. for the record, if you want to watch harry's psychiatrist get a blowjob, watch ron's 'the payback'..
19. oh goddamn.. GODDAMN.. everytime i see this scene i almost cry.. his girlfriend is answering the door as he is prancing outside.. the conversation:
drew: hi baby how are you? (tries to hug him)
harry: SHUT THE FUCK UP BITCH (as he puts his hand in her face and prances on in)
20. 'what'd ya have to give him? head? ass?'.. next time your girlfriend gives you a present, YOU should wonder who she blew to get it..
21. drew.. listen.. don't question his ability to get his cock hard..
22. 'NOTHIN' BUT A SKEEZER!'
23. 'I'LL FUCKIN' RUIN THAT BITCH! AHHHHHHH... RUBBERNECK!!!'.. the man sniffs a pile of coke, makes out with his doll, and then prays.. his value system is tip-fucking-top..
24. when asked what he'd do to drew if he knew she was slopping juice with another dude: 'i'd fucking cut her neck off her head, outta here'.. i'm not sure what that means, but i concur..
25. his psychiatrist smokes weed with him.. good idea.. 'i don't think you've been smoking enough marijuana lately, harry'
26. ron using his voice as rubberneck.. in the other version it sounds distorted.. this one, it's just plain ol' ron's voice..
27. 'because i like doing what he says.. he tells me to do good things.. that i like'.. a tad bit redundant.. but that's okay.. i understand you, harry..
28. lipstick pentagrams make me want to don a wig and jerk off and scream 'YER FUCKIN' DEAD' too..
29. the slow-motion stabbing of the doctor.. not a great kill, but the effect shot is even worse.. quality.. pure..
30. the yellow raincoat and chanting 'fucking rain man, fuck the fuckin' raain' as he buys his drugs from otis..
31. the repeat of that prancing he does as he's running with his drugs.. classic.. talk shit about the edit of this movie all you please.. YOU couldn't make me laugh like that..
32. the little wig-out shots while he's doing the heroin give it an almost artsy feel... i DID say almost..
33. the story he tells rubberneck is nice.. but aside from the coke on his nose, i get one thing out of it:
'that's why i know how to treat these women today.. kill 'em.. and fuck 'em up the ass' (and that cut right after that line.. if i could have that on my tombstone, i would)..
34. so good i have to repeat:
'that's all anybodys ever good for.. for fucking up the ass.. the sooner you learn that the better.. and don't ever let anybody tell you different.. now let's go to work and kill some dumb hooah bitch'
*note.. from here on, all references to 'whores' will be written as 'hooahs'.. PER HARRY RUSSO
35. i'm not reprinting his car speech.. none of you are worthy of this.. none of you.. not even me..
36. offering a hooah crack instead of money: EXACTLY..
37. 'i think i like 'FUCKING HOOAH'.. when i say 'FUCKING HOOAH' you say what'..
38. i... like.. the...way.. he... gives.. the... hooah... crack...
39. the styrofoam head i have no problem with.. the dancing with that gigantic cock swinging in the parking lot, i have no problem with.. actually.. i don't have a problem with anything in the celebration scene.. carry on..
40. 'I FUCKIN' HATE YOUZE.. UHHHHHHHHHH.. DIE!!! DIE TONIGHT!!!'
41. i have to admit: i like the way they indicate the drunk redneck is a drunk redneck with a CAROLINA PANTHERS hat..
42. the closeup on the puke indicates a can of soup was used.. without an attempt for extra effect.. eh.. laziness rules..
43. i love that the bee gess never care if you use their songs in films.. it makes the 'you should be dancing' scene work.. so well..
44. a good workout ALWAYS makes me want to fuck and kill my girlfriend..
45. velvetjesus was my first screenname.. ever.. on webtv..
46. bitch.. DON'T QUESTION HIS ABILITY TO GET HIS COCK HARD!
47. the prancing after he kills drew is the greatest prancing you will EVER see.. ever.. ever.. ever.. ever.. ever.. ever..
'DING DONG THE BITCH IS DEAD'
48. the sound effect of him punching her seems like the sound of striking two pool balls together.. neat..
49. i know all of you think you have some power stroke when fucking.. but unless you're down with the 'AH YEAH FUCK YEAH' posse, you ain't shit..
50. sometimes, and i know its happened to you, when we're masturbating we make a little mess.. harry russo has shown us how to take care of this.. seriously, if anyone has ever done this, send me a message and let me know..
51. the nipple-eating scene is too cheesy for me.. but still a nice touch..
52. ron's acting effort as the fella trying to hawk a stolen stereo is awesome.. i think he sets a new standard for use of the word 'fuck' in a two minute span..
53. ron told me they had to shoot that radio scene in about 15 minutes.. police were around and they didn't wanna get caught..
54. as he dances with the redneck before killing him.. he utters this immortal line:
'yeah.. your friends gone like your dicks gonna be, faggot'.. followed by 'it's time to free willy you butt-bandit-sonofabitch-queer-gay-asshole.. fucking dirty reamer.. fucking man-bitch'.. and proceeds to lop off his cock.. nice..
55. i was gonna quote the racial slur speech he has at the top of the building with his cock fully-erect and seemingly pointing toward the camera.. but, again.. none of you are worthy..
56. he uses the word 'fawn'.. i like it..
57. i mean.. i think at one time or another we've all put on women's underwear and pissed on ourselves.. by the way.. from what ron said, that was legit..
58. 'IT'S THROBBING AND SWOLLEN.. AHHHHHHH'
59. so cut it off..
60. i actually like the idea of him walking around the porn theater to the other entrance and the shot going from night to day.. funny, when you think about it..
61. what was a woman doing with a baby in the bathroom of a fucking porn theater?
62. everything about the porn theater is incredible.. from his attire, to his treatment of the patrons..
63. how many times have YOU gone straight from jerking off to pistol whipping someone? i know.. not enough for me either..
64. 'YOU'RE FUCKIN' DEAD YOU HOOAH'
65. that's ron's sister as the news-chick.. i asked him why she was the only woman not naked in the movie.. he said: she didn't get paid..
66. i think everyone masturbates in the shower as they wash the blood of the dead off of them..
67. again.. the x-ray shots kinda give a hint of artistic expression.. a hint..
68. after harry wakes up and sees himself dancing around naked outside (it happens like that sometimes, eh) the other harry delivers the best 'FUCK YOU' in the glorious era of film..
69. strangling your own doll.. don't do it harry.. he's telling you the truth.. listen to him..
70. at this point, i think we've gone through 7 different dream sequences, never knowing what's real..
71. waking up with your doll in bed with you.. that's real..
72. you'd be surprised how many people had a problem with the kid getting strangled toward the end.. what's the big deal? she's just another dumb cunt hooah.. GIVE 'EM HELL, HARRY..
73. his rant at the end is a weak way to end an otherwise spectacular movie..
74. i don't like the shaved look he has.. but he's still pretty hot..
75. it's sooooo cool that they got the SAME girl to play the roles of the prostitute AND drew.. get more tit for your buck, eh ron? that's a lesson on how to cut corners in independent films, kids.. if you find a bitch willing to take off her clothes at a cheap rate, spend the 15 bucks it'll cost for a wig..
76. the baby in the bathroom of the porn shop was the whore mangler's kid in real life..
77. ron's old production company's telephone number: 702-877-2819.. call him up and tell him you read this..
78. it had been a couple of years since i watched this.. it will never be that long.. never again..
79. all the gore shots in this movie combined probably constitute about 35 seconds of screentime..
80. all the cock shots in this movie combined probably constitute about 10 minutes of screentime..
obviously the message is simple:
women.. they're only good for killing.. and fucking up the ass..
and cocks are more appealing to the low-budget horror fan than gore..
i don't know which one of those i disagree with.. or if i do..
but i'll praise allah daily for the birth of ron atkins..
thank you ron.. thank you..
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now, i could rate on merit and all that jazz, but these reviews ain't gonna be about that.. we have GOOD reviewers here that i love to read for the content.. honestly, these are just going to be giving you access to some of the most worthless pieces of junk ever laid on tape and subsequently purchased for a few hundred dollars and pressed on disc for future generations to discover and feel really reaaaaaally proud of their ancestoral background.. remember.. junk and useless are words of true devotion from me..
here's how i'm gonna be rating these things, on a scale of 1-5, 5 being the heaviest:
CHEESE FACTOR (all cheesy elements combined.. clothes, music, style, etc)
BONER-A-METER (is it up the perverts alley to at least be interesting?)
WOULD I BE WILLING TO WATCH THIS IF AN EPISODE OF THE SIMPSONS THAT I'VE SEEN SIX TIMES AND HAVE ON DVD IS ON?
(should be pretty obvious.. and, ultimately, this will be the ultimate recommendation factor)
MOST REWARDING SCENE (obvious)..
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CHEESE FACTOR: 4
BONER-A-METER: if you dig cock a 5.. if not, a 4.5
WIBWTWTIAEOTSTISSTAHODIO: yes.. i'd burn my simpsons dvds in hell before i'd go without my whore mangler..
MOST REWARDING SCENE: i'm a sucker for rooftop scene.. and NOT because of the cock..
good luck, kids..