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Jokes
Jun 29, 2008 21:29:15 GMT -5
Post by soucriant on Jun 29, 2008 21:29:15 GMT -5
Ones that are offensive and in complete bad taste, preferably. ;D Some good ones I heard recently; A man goes to his doctors to pick up his wife's test results. DOC: I'm afraid there's bad news. MAN: What is it? DOC: Well, we're not sure. Your wife has either Alzheimers or AIDS. MAN: Bloody hell! Well, which one is it? DOC: Dunno. But there is a test you can do. MAN: Which is...? DOC: Put her in your car and drive her out into the middle of nowhere. MAN:Then...? DOC: Leave her there. If she finds her way home, don't fuck her.What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang the picture.An ugly man walks into his local bar with a big grin on his face. "What are you so happy about?" Asks the barman. "Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know, I live by the railway. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the movies. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!" "Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky guy. Was she pretty?" "Dunno, I never found her head."
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Jokes
Jun 30, 2008 10:20:40 GMT -5
Post by Hug_the_Dead on Jun 30, 2008 10:20:40 GMT -5
You hear about the 9-year-old Ethiopian kid?
He was going through his mid-life crisis.
What's the worst thing about being a black Jew?
You have to sit in the back of the oven.
Why did Hitler kill himself?
He saw his gas bill.
What happens when a Jew with an erection walks into a wall?
He breaks his nose.
There's a black and a Mexican in a car. Who's driving?
The cop.
What do you call the Superdome full of milk?
Cocoa Puffs.
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Jerry Ex
Horror Fiend
You're one spooky motherfucker, man!!!!!!
Posts: 76
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Jokes
Jul 1, 2008 21:12:31 GMT -5
Post by Jerry Ex on Jul 1, 2008 21:12:31 GMT -5
Two women are browsing the perfume counter at a high-end department store. A sales lady comes over and says, "Would you ladies like to try as spritz of our newest fragrance, Venez moi?" They say, "Sure, why not!" After getting sprayed, the woman asks, "What does Venez moi mean, by the way?" The sales lady say, "It means 'Come To Me' in French." Just then, the woman turns to her friend and says, "Come to me? This doesn't smell like come to me! Does it smell like come to you?"
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Coffin Jim
Administrator
What is blood? It is the reason to exist!
Posts: 619
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Jokes
Jul 7, 2008 0:32:32 GMT -5
Post by Coffin Jim on Jul 7, 2008 0:32:32 GMT -5
What's black and has 27 tits? A garbage bag outside the cancer clinic. Oh, that's just awful. I'm sorry. I'll make it all better with this one: What did the Nazi wife say when her neighbor dropped by unexpectedly? If I had known you were coming I would have baked a kike. What do Austrian girls and Austrian wine have in common? You have to leave them in the cellar to mature.
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Jokes
Jul 7, 2008 1:11:25 GMT -5
Post by Matttttttttttt on Jul 7, 2008 1:11:25 GMT -5
I've got a similar one, but it's not as harsh. An old man is at the doctor. He gets examined and he's ready to leave. The doctor says to him, "I've got bad news. You've got Cancer and you've got Alzheimer's." So the old man goes, "Well, at least I don't have Cancer!"
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Jokes
Jul 7, 2008 2:57:20 GMT -5
Post by hardcockzombie on Jul 7, 2008 2:57:20 GMT -5
What do Austrian girls and Austrian wine have in common? You have to leave them in the cellar to mature.
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Jokes
Jul 7, 2008 6:52:00 GMT -5
Post by obscure437 on Jul 7, 2008 6:52:00 GMT -5
How does a nigger woman fight crime? She has an abortion Statistically... 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape. What's white on top and black on bottom? Society. Why Don't black people go on Cruises? They're not falling for that one again. I called that Rape Advice Line earlier today. Unfortunately, it's only for victims. What do spinach and anal sex have in common? If you were forced to have it as a kid, you'll hate it as an adult My girlfriend said I've got the biggest cock she'd ever seen, That's one of the benefits of going out with a 10 year old. www.sickipedia.org has every sick joke, ever
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Jokes
Jul 7, 2008 10:33:51 GMT -5
Post by soucriant on Jul 7, 2008 10:33:51 GMT -5
That deserves some karma. By the way........I'm stealing it!!! ;D You can take what you like, I have karma! Some great ones, keep 'em coming. What do you call a black man in a suit? The defendant. What did the Jewish paedophile say to the kid? "Hey, go easy on the sweets." Strangely enough, my mum told me this one; A man is standing behind a woman with two little boys at the check out. Man: "Are they twins?" Woman: "No, do you think they look alike?" Man: "No. I just can't believe someone fucked you twice."
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Jokes
Jul 7, 2008 14:07:55 GMT -5
Post by buntcakepan on Jul 7, 2008 14:07:55 GMT -5
If you're black and mexican you can kick my ass about this later.
What did the black kid get for Christmas?
Your T.V.
How do you starve a mexican?
Put their food stamps in their work boots.
What's the difference between a mexican and a bench?
A bench can actually support a family.
Why do mexicans refry their beans?
Ever seen a mexican do something right the first time?
Why are black people so good at basketball?
Because they can run, shoot, and steal.
What do you call vietnamese guy that wants to be black?
Vinegar!
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Coffin Jim
Administrator
What is blood? It is the reason to exist!
Posts: 619
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Jokes
Jul 7, 2008 14:09:42 GMT -5
Post by Coffin Jim on Jul 7, 2008 14:09:42 GMT -5
What's the difference between a mexican and a bench? A bench can actually support a family. Nice.
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Jokes
Jul 11, 2008 19:07:21 GMT -5
Post by infromthemist on Jul 11, 2008 19:07:21 GMT -5
This is one of my favorites:
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
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Coffin Jim
Administrator
What is blood? It is the reason to exist!
Posts: 619
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Jokes
Jul 12, 2008 0:59:44 GMT -5
Post by Coffin Jim on Jul 12, 2008 0:59:44 GMT -5
This is one of my favorites: A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
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Jokes
Jul 12, 2008 10:28:39 GMT -5
Post by infromthemist on Jul 12, 2008 10:28:39 GMT -5
Glad you liked that one, Coffin. And, in honor of dirty jokes everywhere...here's another:
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, We'll never forget you!'
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Jokes
Jul 13, 2008 14:49:55 GMT -5
Post by infromthemist on Jul 13, 2008 14:49:55 GMT -5
Here's another good one:
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love.
When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.
When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it again."
The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.
When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."
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Jokes
Jul 13, 2008 14:52:21 GMT -5
Post by infromthemist on Jul 13, 2008 14:52:21 GMT -5
Oh wait....there's always this one: ;D
A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.
They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."
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Jokes
Jul 13, 2008 15:06:32 GMT -5
Post by infromthemist on Jul 13, 2008 15:06:32 GMT -5
This is the last one, I promise! ;D
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.
She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."
He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar."
The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."
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Jokes
Jul 13, 2008 15:46:05 GMT -5
Post by Non-Believer Yet Damned on Jul 13, 2008 15:46:05 GMT -5
Here's another good one: A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love.
When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.
When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it again."
The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.
When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."That was a good one.
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Jokes
Jul 13, 2008 16:10:50 GMT -5
Post by infromthemist on Jul 13, 2008 16:10:50 GMT -5
Thank you. If you liked that one, you will love this:
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"
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Jokes
Jul 14, 2008 10:05:37 GMT -5
Post by soucriant on Jul 14, 2008 10:05:37 GMT -5
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Jokes
Jul 14, 2008 12:12:43 GMT -5
Post by buntcakepan on Jul 14, 2008 12:12:43 GMT -5
Thank you. If you liked that one, you will love this: On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!" Best one you've posted yet.
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Jokes
Jul 14, 2008 16:36:58 GMT -5
Post by infromthemist on Jul 14, 2008 16:36:58 GMT -5
Thank you. If you liked that one, you will love this: On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!" Best one you've posted yet. Thank you! I simply enjoy the hell out of making people laugh. ;D
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Jokes
Jul 14, 2008 19:24:44 GMT -5
Post by infromthemist on Jul 14, 2008 19:24:44 GMT -5
Damn it...I forgot the one about Miss Beatrice:
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
"Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."
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Jerry Ex
Horror Fiend
You're one spooky motherfucker, man!!!!!!
Posts: 76
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Jokes
Jul 29, 2008 13:56:41 GMT -5
Post by Jerry Ex on Jul 29, 2008 13:56:41 GMT -5
Here's a good one.
Q:What's the difference between the Taliban and America?
A:One is the most dangerous and hated member of the 'Axis of Evil', the other is just a bunch of towel heads in the middle of the desert.
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Jokes
Jul 30, 2008 0:17:46 GMT -5
Post by ascoldasice on Jul 30, 2008 0:17:46 GMT -5
Here's a good one. Q:What's the difference between the Taliban and America? A:One is the most dangerous and hated member of the 'Axis of Evil', the other is just a bunch of towel heads in the middle of the desert. That one isn't funny, just un-nervingly true . Here's one: A chick with no arms and no legs is lying on a beach, crying. A man walking past stops, and asks her what is wrong. She replies that she is sad because she's never been kissed. So he bends down and gives her a kiss, then continues on his way. As he starts to walk away, the chick starts crying again, twice as hard. So the man turns around, goes back to her, and asks what is the problem now. She replies that she has never been fucked. So he bends down again, picks her up, and throws her in the ocean. "Now you are fucked", he says. /joke, and I just know that several board members got raging boners at the thought of sexing a chick without arms and legs. ;D
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Coffin Jim
Administrator
What is blood? It is the reason to exist!
Posts: 619
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Jokes
Jul 30, 2008 0:20:25 GMT -5
Post by Coffin Jim on Jul 30, 2008 0:20:25 GMT -5
A chick with no arms and no legs is lying on a beach, crying. A man walking past stops, and asks her what is wrong. She replies that she is sad because she's never been kissed. So he bends down and gives her a kiss, then continues on his way. As he starts to walk away, the chick starts crying again, twice as hard. So the man turns around, goes back to her, and asks what is the problem now. She replies that she has never been fucked. So he bends down again, picks her up, and throws her in the ocean. "Now you are fucked", he says. /joke, and I just know that several board members got raging boners at the thought of sexing a chick without arms and legs. ;D I remember that one from when I was a kid. Good times.
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Jerry Ex
Horror Fiend
You're one spooky motherfucker, man!!!!!!
Posts: 76
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Jokes
Jul 30, 2008 14:37:58 GMT -5
Post by Jerry Ex on Jul 30, 2008 14:37:58 GMT -5
I got this e-mail yesterday and I shit myself laughing.
A pregnant woman with triplets is walking down the street when a robber runs out a bank and shoots her in the stomach three times. But, the babies turn out okay. The doctor decides to leave the bullets in because it's too risky to operate.
All's fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walks into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asks the mother. "I was taking a wiz and this bullet came out." replies the daughter. The mother tells her it's alright and explains what happened 16 years ago.
About a week later the second daughter walks in to the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking a wiz and this bullet came out." Again the mother tells her not to worry and explains what happened 16 years ago.
A week later the guy walks into the room in tears. "It's okay," says the mom, "I know what happened, you were taking a leak and a bullet came out." And the guy says, "No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog!"
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Jokes
Jul 31, 2008 11:28:38 GMT -5
Post by shadowslasher on Jul 31, 2008 11:28:38 GMT -5
There are a LOT of funny ones on here Except I don't see any blonde jokes.
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Jokes
Aug 2, 2008 14:07:56 GMT -5
Post by infromthemist on Aug 2, 2008 14:07:56 GMT -5
I got this e-mail yesterday and I shit myself laughing. A pregnant woman with triplets is walking down the street when a robber runs out a bank and shoots her in the stomach three times. But, the babies turn out okay. The doctor decides to leave the bullets in because it's too risky to operate.
All's fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walks into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asks the mother. "I was taking a wiz and this bullet came out." replies the daughter. The mother tells her it's alright and explains what happened 16 years ago.
About a week later the second daughter walks in to the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking a wiz and this bullet came out." Again the mother tells her not to worry and explains what happened 16 years ago.
A week later the guy walks into the room in tears. "It's okay," says the mom, "I know what happened, you were taking a leak and a bullet came out." And the guy says, "No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog!" Totally awesome. Best one I've heard in a while!
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Jokes
Aug 2, 2008 20:27:16 GMT -5
Post by buntcakepan on Aug 2, 2008 20:27:16 GMT -5
Except I don't see any blonde jokes. Here's one: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common? The more you bang it the looser it gets.
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Jokes
Aug 3, 2008 6:25:28 GMT -5
Post by The Question on Aug 3, 2008 6:25:28 GMT -5
Here's a joke I heard recently (and not a sick one, surprisingly...) that I liked:
George Bush and Dick Cheney decide to have a bite to eat. The pretty young waitress hands them both a menu, and after a few moments Cheney turns to her and says: "I'll have pancakes, please, with maple syrup and some coffee." She takes down the order and looking up from her pad, then asks, "And for you, Mr. President?" George smiles at her, a little twinkle in his eye, and says "Darlin', I'll have a quickie". The waitress, shocked, smacks him round the face and storms out, shouting "You're worse than Clinton!" at Bush, who looks dumbfounded. Cheney just shakes his head and sighs. Leaning over he whispers: "George...it's pronounced 'quiche'."
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