Post by Coffin Jim on Aug 15, 2008 0:11:20 GMT -5
www.imdb.com/title/tt0447448/
God dammit. Why must I be addicted to shit films? It's a curse, I tell ya.
The Slaughterhouse Massacre (AKA Sickle) is the most formulaic piece of garbage I've seen up to this point. In one sentence, the plot goes like this: A slaughterhouse worker is killed, only to be inexplicably brought back exactly ten years later to kill a bunch of stupid kids fumbling around his slaughterhouse. That's it. Curtain. Go home, folks.
There isn't a slasher cliche in existence that isn't used at one point or another in this film. The lead characters? A jock, his hot girlfriend, a practical joker, his hot girlfriend, a stoner (named "Stoner"), and a bumbling, overweight sheriff with a southern accent all grace the reels of this steaming pile of projector excrement. They go nosing around where they shouldn't and recite some sort of stupid rhyme to bring back Marty Sickle (best slasher name ever, next to Bob Pitchfork). They're somehow surprised when he actually does come back and picks them off one by one with... a sickle.
The movie's one saving grace is Shaila Vaidya, who is mainly eye-candy, but is also the standout actress of the bunch. In a twist of irony, she also the only useful thing in this review:
In a final, futile attempt to save the movie from going under, the director has her in bra and panties for the last few minutes. Although the ship does in fact sink, it's a very pleasant last few minutes.
I also feel compelled by Christ to mention that the special effects are horrible in proportion to the rest of the movie. There's a scene at the end where Sickle's head gets cut off (yeah, it's a spoiler, but I don't give a fuck and you probably don't either) and the effect looks suspiciously similar in quality to this video:
One coffin for being made, plus one coffin for Shaila is...
2 coffins out of 10